"Below is a letter I wrote in the final 2 hours of my cat's life. I made a call to a mobile vet to come to my home and put my best friend to the forever sleeps. I had 2 hours of waiting, watching my best friend struggle to breathe. This is obviously after months and months of health decline, heart failure, and not fun times. I thought with all the medication, I might have a few more months left, but sadly I saw no progress in this particular week. This was my toughest decision I've ever made, and I felt it was right. I thought I would sit next to her and "journal" aka write her story and my feelings for her on my laptop. I thought this might distract me from the chaos and trying to hold back tears. I didn't proofread, or make any edits: this is pure feelings translated into words, from my heart and soul in what might be my darkest and loneliest hour." - Anthony
21 years.
I remember first meeting you as if it were yesterday. I had just returned home from a GRUELING workday (3 hours of non-stop soccer reffing, VERY hard). I had just finished getting yelled at by some asshole parents, probably that I didn’t call a red card cause their kid tripped and fell on the terrible terrain that was Farwell field. Mum decided to reward me and my sister on how good we’d been, with school and now work, so we got to pick out two kittens. Finally! Pets! Ahhhh! We had been asking for this for quite a while. I assume the amount of arguing and persuasion had finally led my mom to a breaking point; I was a good arguer… too good sometimes.
I remember going to the shelter, and seeing so many cats. It was sad, I wanted all of them. Maya chose the most flea infested, ringworm filled, sickly, runt-of-the-litter cat, your sister, Peachy babe. “I want to make her all better!” was maya’s reasoning… so cute. I remember the fuss my mom made to convince my sister: “are you suuuuure this is the one maya? This is a lot of work….” Meanwhile, I spotted this beautiful main coone cat that was your mommy. She was like a fluffy tiger, so regal with her piercing gaze. I had been told we’d pick out kittens so I was dead set on finding one. as I turned away, you popped your cute little face out from behind your mom and let out a roar. Goodness gracious my 6th grade heart fully stopped for a few seconds. You were the most adorable floofy tiger I’d ever seen, and I instantly pointed to you. I can’t recall the timing of how I named you, but you had lurked behind your moms shadow, and when we took you home you played with your shadow, and even followed me around as I walked… so the name Shadow stuck.
You certainly lived up to the name. I can’t recall how many times I had accidently kicked you, tripped over you, stubbed my toes as I narrowly avoid stepping on you; as a kid all I wanted to do was pick you up and cuddle you, smothering you with love. But as a kitten all you wanted was your own space to be the jungle queen that you were. As I tried to court your approval, even going so far as to take off your collar (you're welcome!) you ended up gravitating to my sister. Rude! Why wouldn’t you let me spoil you with all the love?! It made me so sad, my cat I chose, only wanted to spend time with my sister. Thus, I never really got to know you very well when you were younger, I ended up cuddling and playing with your sister Peach.
Time went on, so many Christmases watching you and Peach play under the tree. Feeble attempts to get a cuddle from you, only to have you wriggle out of my grasps into my sister’s room. Chasing bugs in the yard, occasionally nabbing a mouse, and avoiding me were you hobbies. Sometimes I would get frustrated and chase you around with things you didn’t like (tinfoil, hoverdisk, and your nemesis, a tape measure), all just to annoy you. Why was I doing this? Even though I couldn’t get that cuddle I so desperately craved, I watched as you grew into the magnificent tiger you were born to be. Time moved fast and swift; I graduated high school and went to college, and I was sad to leave you behind, but a college frat house is no place for a cat. You didn’t follow me just yet, but eventually maya and I had to bring you and Peach to Seattle, and separate you. I was very sad that day (I’m sure peach was thrilled to be rid of her bully), but also because I knew you would be leaving the comforts of Spokane and would be forced to live with big men in a testosterone filled messy house. I was nervous….
And yet….you did so well. I was so proud of you, watching as you adapted to a new life. Who was this Shadow? I had never seen her. I remember my mom rejoicing about how well you did in the car…. 5 hours of driving? Crazy. You joined me in my house, let my roommates warm up to you, and even started cuddling with me FINALLY! You learned to live without Peach, learned to live with a male cat Buster (your best friend, you can’t even deny it), and even the feisty upstairs neighbor Cabbage. These last 8+ years with you have been such a blessing, for it was like having you as a kitten again. This time I was ready and open to observing you and how you liked to be treated. I hope you liked this grown-up adult version of that cuddle deprived child. (and all the curly hair just like the first time we met).
As I stare at you now, laying on my pillow…. Both our breathing so heavy… my mind wanders down all the negative memories of me messing up. Like Kicking you off the bed when you woke me up in the middle of the nights wailing, or yelling at you after seeing you peed on the carpet, pushing you when I was so incredibly stressed from work, roommates, and just at my limits.I feel so guilty; so many terrible reactions I had about such dumb objects or life stress…. Forgetting that you aren’t a kitten anymore. You’re my old lady. I am sorry I dragged this on longer than probably necessary. Truth is, I am really bad at letting go. I finally got the cuddles I dreamed about as a kid, and it was the most magical thing I’ve experienced in my life. We’ve had so many moments that even words couldn’t describe… it was as if we truly understood one another and spoke the same language. You can’t blame me for wanting to hold onto that as long as possible. All those sleepless nights, me waking up at every movement of yours, to make sure you were as comfortable and happy as possible. Truth is, I have never loved anything or anyone this hard before. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can literally remember. You were there for my first job, my first high school day where I knew nobody; My first kiss, first car, first heart break, my escape from the drama that is our family; graduation, getting arrested (fuck Spokane cops). Every single life moment I’ve experienced and remembered, you were always there to come home to and decompress or complain about, even if sometimes forced you to lay on my lap as I told you about my days.
Your simple MEOWS were all I needed to hear to make me forget about my worries. I can’t lie, I’m going to have a reallllll hard time now. I’ve been writing this all morning and keep pausing to cry. Having to put a pet down is incredibly fucked…I wish you could’ve passed in your sleep on your own as opposed to having me sit here and wait a few hours…. Fuck. I hate it. Why am I the one that has to decide? I just want you to somehow overcome and heal like the other 8 lives you’ve used, and come cuddles up into my warm stinky armpit like you always do and purr like a muscle car engine; sadly, your purr has been sputtering out… and… I tried, best friend. I tried so hard to keep that engine maintained… forgive me, I’ve never been that good with cars.
Pretty kitty Shadow. I’m proud of the life you lived and the struggles you overcame. What an insane story you are. I’m not a religious guy but I pray to whatever this life thing is, that you find comfort and peace at last, and if your spirit does go somewhere and is able to, please watch over me, for I got a ways to go. Thank you for keeping me company as I grew into who I am today. I hope you liked the weird music sounds I made while you napped next to me, and just know that I secretly sampled your meows while you were on my studio desk. Expect a certified 100 banger one of these days, maybe I’ll blast it loud enough for you to hear.
My days are going to feel so empty and bleak. I love you. So long best friend.
Ps: it’s now my first day without you here... and I’m a complete wreck…. big ooof. I grinded up your medicine like I did every morning, hoping you'd come running... but you didn't, and well, you wouldn’t eat it anyways. I don’t blame you. Please, please, pretty please. come back to me, pretty kitty Shadow. (picture above is the last picture I ever took of you...I'm sad)